High Crimes and Misdemeanors: Beauty Info Hoarders
Are you a closet “beauty hoarder,” which is someone who refuses to throw away partially used beauty items after years of gross neglect? This is gross, and you need to get some big gloves, a huge garbage sack, and start cleaning and culling those cupboards.
Lucky for you, I’m not talking about this kind of beauty hoarder today (READ THIS for a true story of beauty hoarding). Today, I’d like to discuss the somewhat sinister beauty info hoarder. A beauty info hoarder is someone who knows all the tricks and secrets about how to LOOK beautiful, but refuses to share any of their beauty knowledge with other women. This kind of person may or may not be beautiful, is more than likely lacking in inner beauty, and acts as if she (or he) has signed a strict confidentiality agreement with everyone from her pedicurist to her hairdresser.
How to Know if You’ve Met a Beauty Info Hoarder
She will lie about which beauty products she uses whenever anyone dares to ask her, guard the phone number of her hairdresser with her life, and will sometimes go so far as to give you false recommendations about what you should do with your own hair and makeup. For example, she might recommend that you get a Mohawk before your big job interview with an investment bank. (Since most beauty info hoarders are not all that brilliant, it’s usually easy to see through their advice.)
What to Do if You Meet a Beauty Info Hoarder
1. Run the other way very, very quickly before she:
A.) Tries to destroy your inner confidence by dissing your hair, makeup, and clothes in a snide manner.
B.) Advises you that your rich auburn highlights would really look better if they were orange and hands you a bottle of her 1985 bottle of Sun-In.
C.) Tells you about her new and improved diet, which consists of Snickers, protein bars, and power napping.
D.) Looks through your personal belongings to see if your beauty products are up to snuff. (If they are, she will likely steal them for herself; that’s just the kind of woman she is.)
2. Give her the same kind of beauty advice and compliments she would give you ONLY if you can’t avoid talking to her at a party. Obviously, she won’t take the advice, but she might not be so interested in talking to you either. Here are some ideas:
A.) You might try washing your hair with motor oil. I hear it really conditions the ends.
B.) The Sinead O’Connor look is totally coming back into fashion. You should try it.
C.) I like that clown makeup look you having going on. It really looks great.