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Nose Stretching, Mouth Slimming and other odd things we do for beauty

I will never understand why women spend so much time and money on their appearance. Bikini waxes, Brazilian blowouts, eyebrow threading, whatever and whatever is new, it always seems like new treatments become that much more expensive, painful and time-consuming than the last.  Perhaps it’s because I’m so low maintenance or perhaps it’s because I don’t see how spraying orange paint on your body makes you more beautiful than a day in the sun, but I will never accept that the beauty industry is such a multi-national, billion-dollar machine.

But, rant aside, most of the time, I can see how women assume these products will do what they are expected to do.  With these products, it seems that the beauty industry has created yet another Frankenstein’s monster—and seem like they might create one out of their unlucky (or stupid) buyers.

The Slim Mouth piece.

This Japanese invention is supposed to be used to slim up your face and costs around $10 in Japanese pharmacies.  The gadget is a basically a stick with a spring inside. The spring forces your mouth open, and in order to close it, you have to exercise your cheek muscles by sucking them in. As your face becomes tighter, then your lips become bigger comparatively.  Again, this beauty standard is again based on American starlets—let’s see how big we can make our lips!  At least it’s not dangerous...unless you choke on it.  It’s also available for men.   

The HanaHana Nose Stretcher.

This is Japanese, too, and painful. The Nose Stretcher is available for about $7. At least the Japanese aren’t blowing all their money for their beauty torture.  You use the nose stretcher by clamping it over your nostrils for a few minutes each day and the extreme pressure on the cartilage is supposed to stretch out flat or button-nosed gals.  Ouch. I really don’t know how stretching out your cartilage works, but nose shaping is an old trick.  I remember at my high school that all the girls with noses that looked too ethnic (read, too Jewish) would get nose jobs for graduation presents.   

Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask.

I just put this mask on the list because it is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen.  If masks are supposed to represent an alternate self, this one says I am beauty, let me take over your face and kill your soul.  Or something.  Anyway, you’re supposed to put this mask on your face for 15 minutes three to four times per week and it is (duh) supposed to make your skin look youthful by exercising the facial muscles and reducing wrinkles. Just don't let the neighbors see you through the blinds...


Meaningful Beauty.

Let me first get back up on my soapbox and say that “Meaningful Beauty” does not come from a line of beauty products.  Second, who is going to believe that Cindy Crawford really needs this stuff to look good? She posed in her underwear and that mole was her only makeup back in the ‘90’s and I don’t think she was mixing her own unique blend of herbs outside of her mansion that she is just now packaging for the general public. But whatever. I think it sucks when celebrities hock products that are supposed to make the average person look like them.  I could fill the ocean with “Meaningful Beauty” and not look a thing like Cindy Crawford.  

All in all, it seems like women should try and achieve actual meaningful beauty instead of buying this crap. Plus, rolling your face in the dirt behind your house probably would be a lot cheaper, a lot less painless and get about the same results as any of this crap.

Sources and further reading:,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=ff7c59a60f6387a5